Having one of those days so I am going to put Pink in my CD player and jam out.. I love that girl.

To a very good friend,

You should know who you are...=}! Your beautiful and amazing.. You have so much going for you and your whole life ahead of you.. Don't settle for less than what you know you deserve and want from a relationship.. You shouldn't be afraid to make your wants and needs clear and find the person who will accommodate both... Speak your mind because its the most important for you to understand.. The rest will fall into place when it is suppose to. Follow your personal values and be proud of them no matter what. They made you who you are today and in my opinion that is a very cool person.

Here you go Nat..
So I havent been on this thing in MONTHS.. So I thought I would write something.. I went to homecoming @ my old school (Tintic) and watched my sister get 2nd place (1st att.) She looked so cute and it was really cool.. I had a great time..

I am thankfu and things can get better..

I have been venting an awful lot lately. I think I needed to though. I keep things inside to often and let them keep building and building until I explode. I am still struggleing alot with things but I have also realized what I do have. I have a great family for the most part and a really good friends. I really have to thank Kristi in particular. I was hitting another rock bottom and somehow she picked up on it. I honestly didn't tell her. I just that is really cool. I have a hard time crying to people I do but I needed to and she made me and it made me feel so much better. I thought that I was the queen of hiding problems. I would have done the same for her but the fact that she was there honestly means the world to me. I was completely rude to her and she didn't care she showed up at my door step and let herself in. I have had a great amount of emotional issues that honestly haven't told the people closet to me but I finally got to tell someone. Someone that sat and listened and gave it to me straight. There was no sugar coating in what she had to say. I have the best of friends and a great family I just let myself go and didn't care and it meant so much to have someone care for me. I have been rethinking my life latley if you couldn't tell by my last 2 blogs. Just trying to figure out who I am what I want and if I am proud of the girl I am. Its been eye opening. I need to listen to my own favorite qoute life is 90% how you react to it. I have loved that quote for years but have lost touch with living that way. All I am saying is that ya life still sucks right now I am not happy but that doesn't mean it has to be like this forever. Somethings I can never get rid of (Kristi knows how bad this bugs me) but I have decided oh well. Life goes on. Looks are not everything. I do not judge people on the apperance but by there actions so I decided to look at myself in the same way. I decided I can be happy bymyself. I truely believe that there is not someone out there for everyone maybe some people aren't meant for love. I have completely given up on that field. I am 21 and haven't dated anyone in 2yrs. I am thinking maybe I truely am meant to live for others and not myself. I have decided to look at life in a different way. I haven't figured that part out exactly but I hope to soon.

What do I want out of my life?

I have been asking myselft this question a lot lately. I am stuck in place and need to move on. I have been thinking about my life and how I am living it. I have been thinking about if I am in the right place or on the path. Do I wanna be this girl forever or could I be something more? I used to believe in karma, and I also believed if you where a good person the favor would one day be returned. Why is it that people that put themselves first seem to be farther ahead then me? or does it just seem like it? I work and work and come home to realize my life hasn't changed it the last three years and it is going nowhere. I am just confused. I love being happy. As obvious as that is (who doesn't) love being happy, but honestly I have always been a happy outgoing girl. I don't see that girl anymore. The question is how do I get that person back. I probably never will totally but I would setttle for a partial return. The more I think about my life the more I realize how sheltered I was. I lived in a small town where I am proud to say it but 90% of the people loved me. I was considered one of the cute girls. I was always busy and with friends. I thought nobody had what I had family wise. The sad part is this is all true as dumb as it sounds. I thought I was something (and not in a stuck up way. I have always been a good person) I put myself and others on a certain kind of pedestal . I had never known unhappiness, loneliness, or ever felt like I was invisible. The best part of it all is I moved from my comfort zone to a place totally foreign to me. I thought I was doing something good for myself. Exploring life options. Well I am here I feel invisible and haven't done anything good for myself. I am just wondering if this was as good of an idea as I thought it was. At first I loved it. Meeting new people seeing new things knowing there is more to life, but in the back of my head I really have started to wonder if going home to my comfort zone would be a good thing or a bad thing? I think I am just going through a really weird time in my life and I don't know where to turn or what to do because honestly I don't exactly know what I want. It is easy to say I wanna go home I know whats there. Friends, family, but other than that, at this point in my life there isn't really anything else there for me. I have some goals that I know would improve my life a lot but I have had these goals for so long and I am embarrassed to say I haven't reached any. It is so frustrating and honestly embarraseing to me. I wish life could just be simple again but newsflash to me life is never simple. Life sucks right now and I just wish I would stop being so confused and just change.......

Well I am bummed and needed to vent so I thought. I will blog about it. Ha Ha. I had to go to a viewing for my good friends grandpa yesterday and it has made me think about alot of things. First off I had a heart sick feeling knowing one of my best friends just lost someone that was very close to her. It was hard to see and her mother crying. I'm not going to lie I cried with them. I cried because I love their family dearly they have always been good to me and because it was a remake of my family from three years ago. Three years ago I lost my Grandpa Max. He was head strong and proud. He literally started with nothing and worked his way to the top of life. My grandpa loved his kids they where his world. Then us grand kids came along and where became his world also. There where only five of us but he never missed a basketball game or baseball game or cheer or anything we had going he was there. He wasn't born into money he worked alot for his money and yet he gave every dime away to his kids or grand kids. It makes me sad to think I didn't realize how much he was there for all of us. I did but I didn't realize how rare in most occasions that is. Both of my sets of grandparents are very involved with me and my cousins. My grandpa wasn't an emotional type that just wasn't him but we all knew he loved us. It was so hard to loose him at such a young age. 62 is way to young. I totally think to this day it is not fair. We all still needed him down here. It was hard enough to loose him but because he was such a foundation to our family we absolutely fell apart. I had the best family anyone could ask for we where always camping together or supporting each other all the time. I thought nothing would come in-between us. Well I was wrong. When grandpa died none of us knew how to handle it at all. Some worse then others and all I kept thinking to myself is if grandpa was here he would have kicked our butts. Things are better now I still love my family but the scars still remain. The fact that it all happened some of the things that where said I still replay in my mind. I know they say god only gives you what you can handle but I think he entirley must have overestimated me. I have fallen apart and can only half way get myself back together until I fall again. I look at myself now and I am ashamed. I was the girl who was getting her associates in high school while doing cheer, bball, and vball. I had the cute boyfriend and great friends. I was always bubbly and always doing something fun. I had a great life. I had a great family. It just makes me mad that I can't be that girl again. I use to have such pride and I use to love life. Now I work to hide everything. I don't want to go to school because I am afraid I might not do well. Its funny I am there for anyone I would never let one of my family or friends fall thats not me, but yet I have been falling for three years and don't do anything. Yes I have had some rough times but I always thought I was strong enough to make it through.I have let myself get scared emotionally, physically, and mentally. I always thought that people got what they deserved well I am sure I have never hurt anyone I am proud to say that. I try not to judge anyone and I have always looked at everyone equal. I have. I treat people as I want to be treated I guess you could say. It just seems nothing has worked out for me personally in a long time. I mean it seems like the more you are all about yourself judge or treat people who are good to you awful you get a little farther in life as weird as that sounds. I am starting to agree with the saying nice guys finish last. In this case I guess it would be nice girls finish last. I guess I am just having a bad moment and I know I am a very blessed girl and should be happy for what I do have. I know that. I am usually like that but for once I am being selfish and I am ready for something good for me. I am.

I think it is ok to allow yourself to make mistakes. Making them often helps teach us what is right. Trying to be perfect leads to perfectionism which most people agree is not healthy. Leading a narrow existence also leaves our experience of life emptier then if we were to experiment and broaden our horizons. Also when we are not trying to be perfect we don't have overly high expectations in others and we become more tolerant and accepting of others. We can't know everything and we should be somewhat curious about what we don't know, at least for the sake of our mental health. We also learn forgiveness in the process and also might find out just how wrong we were all along.